Am I the Problem?

One thing I’ve always told myself and others, when there is a consistent issue coming up in your life, find the common denominator.

So if you’re constantly fighting with someone, what is it usually stemming from? What triggers the fight?

If you’re constantly looking for jobs because you hate your job, what do you hate? Is it an authoritarian boss? Is it you not meeting standards?

I write about this because this is where i am RIGHT now. I have been trying to find the common denominators in some life failures lately and said to myself “am I the problem?”

So at first this lead to thoughts of me being a failure, of not having direction, of not following a passion, wondering if I am lazy or if I over think things. Basically wondering WTF is wrong with me. Then I realized, just because I AM the common denominator, it doesn’t mean I am the problem.

See the problem I’m facing is that i try to do a good job at everything I do. This can often lead to me over thinking things. I also bring in old baggage from old bosses and life in general. When you have everything you do criticized and micromanaged throughout your career and sometimes by people in your life, it makes it hard to EVER trust your own decisions. You over think them and won’t pull the trigger on anything without approval.

I had a job about 2 years ago where no matter how hard I worked, I just couldn’t get things done EXACTLY right. My boss would also take quite a while to get back to me with feedback putting me in a time crunch and then I would be blamed for not having it done exactly so when I’d done everything I could to perfect it and to learn from previous feedback.

I’ve let this creep into other jobs that have made me feel the exact same way. i don’t feel comfortable making decisions any more.

Does this mean I’m the problem and can’t make good decisions? NO because here is the thing about decisions (sometimes) they’re just differences of opinion and often times its the lack of trust by my supervisor in my expertise and experience that lead to the product I put out not being deemed good enough when I knew perfectly well how people would respond to what i had created. I’m not saying they’re wrong either because they have YEARS more of experience than I do and a totally different lens.

What I struggle with now, is where do I find my stride? Where do I find that environment where I can develop trust, where I can let my skills flourish, where I can feel like I’m having a positive impact?

My answer?

Keep pushing forward and sharing your gifts.

Be honest with yourself after a job interview - i tend to idealize situations or people and assume the best and then get frustrated when they’re not as perfect as I pictured.

Be realistic with your own timeline - I tend to expect myself to be perfect off the bat but you need time to learn a new job or position. It’s not automatic. Give yourself time, ask questions, and love that your’e learning.

I plan to put these things into practice with my current job search and I KNOW it is hard. The desperation of looking for a job makes it hard to make sound decisions, but if you don’t, you’ll be in the same position in a few years. There is nothing wrong with leaving a job that’s not a good fit, there is nothing wrong with changing careers 5 times, there is nothing wrong with deciding something isn’t for you. It’s wrong to continue to push yourself to fit into a hole that’s not made for you. It is wrong to beat yourself up for “failures” that aren’t truly “failures.”

The only failure is continuing to blame yourself and to give up.