Trich Confession

SO Confession time - 

I wound up pulling after almost a year without pulling. 
i was ashamed and disappointed. I caught myself in a trance and couldn't' stop. If you have trich you may or may not know that everyone has different states of pulling AND within that everyone is totally different whether the pull one way or another or multiple.  

When I am aware I am fully able to control my pulling and have been able to for almost a year. I think this is where the meditating and affirmations have really come in because they've taught me to be aware and taught me to breathe through tension. 

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But yesterday i was studying and I just started pulling until the entire top of my head is SO THIN - along with a bald spot on the back right hand side. 

To be honest I've been thinking about getting a topper anyways to help my hair look longer while it grows out, so this just solidifies the plan. The things that I'm doing to move forward, though, are the most important in this case. I see so many people with trich get mad at themselves, and beat themselves up, and give up. 

I am not giving up. Instead I'm going to get back to writing my affirmations and breathing and meditating, which I have not been doing to be honest.  I am taking progress pictures every week because even though seeing the damage sucks, seeing the improvement matters even more.  

I've been sick lately, I've been dealing with the miscarriages, I've started a new job, I'm studying for my real estate license and I think all of that is just adding up to make me more stressed and it came out in a trance of pulling. 

I was telling Steve how bad it makes me feel about myself and how much it truly sucks.  But i had to remind myself that THAT attitude is where in the past I would just give up and not continue to work on myself and my pulling. I'm also trying hard to wrap my head around embracing this disorder, over coming it, and de-stigmatizing it. Sometimes i feel by not pulling I'm giving into the stigma that it's "bad" and the reason it's "bad" is because we're told it is - and we're told we look ugly with bald spots. And the truth is I've been so inspired by women with hair loss like alopecia etc that have taught me to just embrace their bio hair - so can I embrace my biohair and hair issues? But can I embrace it while not pulling? 
I often feel bad comparing to women with alopecia because it seems like we are CHOOSING to  pull out our hair while theirs is falling out, but the truth is trich is not a choice, It's something deep in our bones that is from trauma and at the same time CAUSES trauma. It's complex. 

That's 100% what makes posting these pics so hard and 100% why i need to share them. To remind me that none of us are invincible. This is overcome-able but incurable and that if I can do this, so can you! Are you struggling? Please leave a comment and let me know what your biggest struggle is with trich.