You know this journey isn’t easy and people don’t always make it easier.
I am trying so hard to navigate what feels like such a mess my head is going to explode.
I’m trying to manage my expectations on this journey trying not to get myself worked up over what I don’t know while trying to be as prepared as possible.
I have thoughts over and over like:
What IF we can’t have a baby?
What IF we have to pay thousands and thousands of dollars out of pocket for in vitro since the Maryland mandate doesn’t apply to our insurance based on company size?
I feel incredibly guilty about all of this, and let me tell you why.
Last year my job was changing my position and I was going to have to leave since I wouldn’t be qualified for the new position. Rather than staying while they hired someone else, I decided to leave before my vacation and not come back.
I had been running an online fitness coaching business through beachbody and decided I would go all in on that and use that as my primary source of income.
The thing is, when I had an additional full time income it was easier to invest in advertisements, give aways, etc, but when it was my full time business I didn’t have that and I instantly started to panic at the deficit I was seeing.
I found that it wasn’t for me to do full time, I liked it a lot better as a community and a side hustle and support system. In that time finances were really tight. And then between our medical bills from three miscarriages and the vet bills from our dog, Gotham’s, sudden passing everything felt impossible. Debt was stacking up.
SO now that I’m facing what could be an incredibly expensive process, I feel so guilty. I know I know I KNOW that it is not my fault. But I can’t shake feeling “responsible” since getting pregnant isn’t the problem, my body keeping them is.
Yes we know that ONE was not viable so that has little to do with my body, but I can’t stop feeling like I have caused yet another financial strain on our family.
And I share this because I know if I feel this way other women in this situation may feel exactly the same way.
Why is infertility so hard?
Not to get political, but our country focuses so much on ending the choice for women to end their pregnancies and puts billions toward that but we put NO money toward helping women WHO DO want families whether it’s through assisting with adoptions or IVF. What kind of priorities are those? Unwanted babies must stay BUT wanted babies - sorry about your empty uteruses. Sucks for you. Thanks patriarchy.
Anyway. . .
I know that this is going to be a roller coaster of pain and excitement.
Today I had my first round of tests and everything came back normal which feels bittersweet. My uterus is fine, my eggs are great, my blood work is great, so what gives?
I know I may have to face that there may not be a reason. We may test and test and test and have no answers other than our third miscarriage was due to trisomy 16, one of the most common reasons for miscarriage. Trisomy16 is not compatible with life like other trisomy issues. I think my biggest fear is that I know I may have to face many more losses. Whether these are natural or through lab embryos or simply going a month without conceiving. I know that this is one fo the hardest things I’ve gone through and others face worse - I just feel so broke about it.
One minute I’m fine the next I want to cry.
And maybe this makes me naive or maybe someone would say I’m ignoring my feelings, but I promise you I am feeling so hard. I just think that I’m also protecting myself because if I TRULY felt all the frustration, grief, and pain all at once; I would crumble.
SO I am choosing among all the bullshit to be happy. YEP I’m saying it again I’m choosing to be happy. I’m choosing to look at the positives one step at a time. I’m choosing to be grateful for modern medicine. I’m choosing to be grateful that each baby as taught me something about life or myself. I’m choosing to be happy that if we have to adopt there will be a woman out there willing to carry a baby to term so we can have a family.
I’m making a choice, because whether you want to admit it or not, sometimes happiness IS a choice. It doesn’t mean we’re happy all the time. It doesn’t mean that we can’t hurt while we choose to be happy, It means we choose a baseline of happy and let our emotions move from there. It doesn’t mean that if you’re facing clinical depression or other mental health issues you’re choosing to be unhappy - in fact if you’re finding hope hard, please get help right now! I know that getting help is the hardest part of all of it but know that I’m here for you.
Every time I talk about this, I say this: I don’t believe everything happens for a reason. I believe we find reason in what happens. We look back on things and we try to give reason and assign sense to things that just don’t always happen “for a reason.” Because I swear to god if one more person tells me “it will work out” “trust god’s time” “stop trying and it will happen” or “everything happens for a reason” I will certainly lose my shit.
I don’t need to know these things, trust me, I try to talk myself into my own bullshit explanations of whats happening. What I need is to get through this in one piece. What I need is to end this journey as the parent I’m craving to be. What I need is peace no matter what. What I need is for people to know that they’re not on this journey alone, that I’m not on this journey alone. One of the reasons this is so hard is how isolating it feels. Even when people give you stories of hope you still feel alone and frustrated. I get it. But know you’re not alone and we can do this, even on the days that we hate it so much we might crumble.