The Key to Success: Celebrate Failure

We hear a lot about self-care, self-love, basically putting ourselves first in a world full of demands. 

  • Demanding that we get paid for 40 hours a week but work "above and beyond" 
  • Demanding that we be this perfect parent
  • Demanding that we can also be pinterest perfect wives
  • Demanding that we get no sleep but are never tired
  • Demanding that we have time to make our bodies look like Kim Kardashians. 

It. Is. A. LOT. 

HOW do you have time to take care of you? NOW we all KNOW that none of that is real or realistic but SOMEHOW we still wind up deep into 35 instagram stories comparing ourselves to what people felt was "insta worthy" to share. 

IMG_2886.jpg

It's bullshit and it perpetuates the never ending anxiety that we CAN'T. It makes us believe that FAILURE is inevitable and FAILURE is what we do best.  Think about the message that sends to your brain? You are literally telling yourself you're not enough and you're failing to reach expectations ALL THE TIME. SO what are you going to believe??

I know if you're reading this blog you probably struggle with trichotillomania.  That means you probably feel most of your failure around the ability or inability to stop pulling your hair.  Trust me in the 20 plus years of pulling I LITERALLY tried EVERYTHING. 

  • Sheer will
  • Keeping a journal 
  • Having a reward system 
  • Having a reminder bracelet 
  • Having loved ones kindly call me out 
  • Putting bandaids on my fingers
  • Having fake nails 
  • Fidget toys

But every damn time I failed and when I look back on it its because 

  1. When we think of "pull free" we have this idea of perfection from day one of NO PULLING.  WELL we already KNOW we can't be perfect so how the hell does that set you up to win?
  2. I KNEW I was going to fail because when have I EVER succeeded with this or succeeded at being perfect in general??
  3. It was more comfortable to pull and be miserable than to feel the uncomfortable feeling of finding how to quit WHILE not being perfect. 

And how the hell do you love yourself when you feel all these feelings? You don't. 

That's because our self-love cannot be based on our achievements or accomplishments or our looks. We have to love ourself regardless of the bullshit we will always think isn't good enough or worthy of love. I'm sure you love imperfect people in your life. So start applying that to you. 

The thing is where do you start.. Well you start in consumption mode

READ AND READ AND JOURNAL AND LISTEN AND READ 

TRUST ME - consume EVERY one of those bull-shit self-help books you avoid. Tell yourself the happy thoughts and gratitudes you have each day even though it sounds stupid.  Listen to podcasts that lift you up and help you feel like a boss. Journal your feelings and emotions and release the crap that you're holding onto every day.  

Stop expecting perfection and ONLY celebrating the "perfect moments: 

Celebrate the weight gain, the failed cookie experiment, the time you forget to pack your kids lunch. Celebrate the buil shit that makes you human like EVERYONE else and just consume and realize that EVERYONE is on the same ride you are and we're all faking it all the time.  Even when you've reached some type of "self-love nirvana" there will STILL be moments you are faking it. I fake it like every other day. It sucks. 

But when we celebrate that there are things in life we all hate and we all get through that keep us connected as humans rather than this need to be perfect to "have love" THATS where the self-love grows from. 

 

I'm Calling Bullshit: Trichotillomania tips that DO NOT work and one that does

Replacement behaviors are bull shit. 

YEP I said it. I have NEVER found a replacement behavior that would curb my desire to pull.  Not pulling feathers out of pillows, not playing with slime, not my fidget cube, nothing. 

IMG_2983.jpg

YES those can be VERY satisfying, but let me tell you that when you really don't understand HOW to make that switch in your head to change your pulling behavior, no replacement behavior will suffice. I'm going to be honest, I would stick with it for 2 weeks or so and give up. I wouldn't have whatever device at some point and then pull again and give up. "HOW am I going to keep this up?" ALWAYS ran through my head because no matter what you do to replace it the change has to be DEEPER> 

This is why I also think BARRIER methods are bull shit.  Barrier methods are GREAT when you're around friends or family and you need an awareness of what you're doing because you'll leave your hat, beanie, scarf, whatever on but when you're alone OFF It comes. 

The reason these don't work is because if you're using JUST a barrier method or JUST a replacement behavior you are relying SOLEY on this particular thing to help you change your behavior and it becomes a CRUTCH in a sense and you don't change the behavior because at the end of the day, you haven't made an internal shift. TRUST ME I know you THINK you want to change SO BAD and that you would do anything because I DID THAT. For years I just wished and wished and wished and hoped that it would just go away.  I thought about how unfair it was. I thought about how I didn't think I could ever change no matter what I did. It was an internal shift that I made with my mind to BELIEF.  Because when I tried all these other things I had the thought of "oh I HOPE i can do this" the BELIEF wasn't really there.  

I would actually build up even MORE self hate and frustration when I would try these other things thinking it was SOO impossible and I was hopeless. This didn't give me any encouragement or make me feel ANY better at all. 

It's like deciding you want to change your diet, so you throw out all of the old food, buy all the healthy food, prep it, but you still choose to go out and buy take out. THIS IS WHAT I WAS DOING. I was still choosing take out. BECAUSE not choosing take out isn't about what's in your fridge, it's about the DECISION. 

SO how the FUCK do you make this decision and this belief? 

THIS IS REALLY SIMPLE: 

YOU TELL YOURSELF YOU ALREADY DID> Yeah you fucking LIE. 

You tell yourself EVERY DAMN DAY that you have made this change ALREADY - I don't care if you haven't, I don't care if you pulled 200 hairs yesterday. You tell yourself you ARE the person you want to be. These are called "affirmations." NOW stick with me. I always thought affirmations was some weird hippie bullshit but let me tell you how to make this MAGIC work for you. 

EVERY DAY I told myself the following. 

  • I am not a hair puller
  • I control my trichotillomania behaviors 
  • Today is a pull free day. 

Throughout the day IF i started to pull OR if I did pull I would say to myself outloud "UHM HEY I am not a hair puller. I control my trichotillomania behaviors today is a pull free day!" I would immediately stop. 

I was 

  • Calling myself on my own bullshit
  • Holding myself accountable

And so overtime even when I would WANT to ignore that voice I wouldn't because you START TO BELIEVE what you tell yourself every day. At first sometimes I'd say this stuff and ignore it and pull 10 minutes later. But month after month it made that mental shift for me.  I lied myself into quitting basically.  You can seriously do this too. USE MINE you don't have to reinvent the wheel. BUT you HAVE TO REPEAT THEM and this is where that piece comes in of you really wanting it and not driving out to the drive through. This is where you have to start eating the food in the fridge. 

Maybe these sound like bullshit too - but let me tell you this bullshit will actually change your behaviors for REALS it's not bullshit you're going to lose under the couch in a week or leave at home. YOU TAKE THIS WITH YOU! 

Will you try this? Comment below and let me know if you're going to try and what you're going to tell yourself.